To the woman dating my husband
Is your lover a charming funny guy, who is a great cook, a smooth talker but has a suspicious mark on his ring finger and is never available on weekends? If so this letter is for you, so please read it through to the end.
If you wonder where your favorite red lipstick is, it is in the glove compartment of his SUV, and also on his shirt collar. I hope the slutty size 38 B pink lace bra is yours too? If not, he is cheating on us both with a sex-worker with giant boobs and B.O.
If he's told you he is single, it's a lie. At best he just wants to use you for sex; or even worse: he is courting you to replace me as his next 'victim'. My advice is to you is to get out while the going is good before he latches on to you spends all your money, and turns you into a joyless drudge.
You should know that once the 'honeymoon' is over you will discover he is quick in bed and a nasty drunk. He will spend more time with his drinking pals than with you, spends all his money in the bar so you will be footing the bills. He splurges extravagantly and impulsively (yes, the flowers and the jewelry he gave you!) and led me into bankruptcy paying for his credit card debts.
He insists we entertain his family every Sunday, and they are strange, unpleasant and rude. His mother will treat you like dirt and will not like you no matter what you do.
PS: You will soon meet our three children, a boy of 8, and two girls: 13 and 15. They are sweet and loving children through the girls are going through that awkward adolescent phase and sometimes behave like the spawn of Satan. You will get to know them really well because they will be spending the weekends and holidays with you. I will send along a list of their likes and dislikes, and the chores he will expect you to do for his children while he drinks beer and watches TV.