April 12, 2019

Here Are the Reasons Why God Will Never Get Tenure at Any University

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Here are the hilarious reasons God would never be able to apply for or land tenure at any University around the world.

For those who don't understand the reference, "tenure" refers to the academic tenure systems, in which professors (at university level) are granted the right not to be dismissed without cause after initial probation (in other words: getting a paid job). 

  • He had only one major publication.
  • It was in Hebrew.
  • It had no cited references.

Hands holding a Bible. | Source: Pixabay


  • It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
  • His paper was never submitted for peer review.

Some even doubt He wrote it Himself.

  • It may be true that He created the world in seven days, but what has He done since then?
  • His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

Woman reading a Bible. | Source: Pixabay


  • He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
  • Some say He got His son to teach the class.
  • When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
  • When subjects didn't behave as He predicted, He removed them from the sample.
  • The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate His results.
  • He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.

A Vintage Bible. | Source: Pixabay


  • He expelled His first two students.
  • Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.
  • His office hours were infrequent and meetings were usually held on a mountain top without following adequate fire code regulations.

Reasons why He doesn't care about a University tenure:

  • He's the boss.
  • His only publication is still the most influential in the field, with millions of citations a year.

Child reading a Bible. | Source: Pixabay


  • Sure, He didn't write it Himself, but with 12 grad students at hand, would you?
  • Disagree with Him, and you may end up in hell.
  • Nobody can beat His 4.5 billion years of fieldwork and 3.5 billion years of DNA expertise.
  • His research facilities are simply the best: even well-funded scientists will admit they work in conditions which are "far from Heaven" when asked.

[Source: unknown; supposedly based on a column by Ann Landers]

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