My husband told me he wished I was dead instead of his first wife

Dear AmoMama,

I don't know how to verbalize this, I feel like the breath has been crushed out my body, I feel like a fool.

I'm 39, and 9 years ago I met a man at a breast cancer fundraiser, and we hit it off. I had just lost my sister and he had lost his wife to the disease 3 years before. He was sweet and funny and I fell in love with him.

'Jim' had two children he was raising on his own, and the kids were so amazing I ended up falling in love with them too. After a year, 'Jim' asked me to marry him, and I said yes.

We got married and I did my best to give him and the children the home they deserved. I thought we were happy. I really did.

'Jim' was distant sometimes, but I know he was still dealing with his first wife's loss and the awful experience of living through her long fight against her cancer. In contrast, the kids - Jenny and Jr - were so loving and caring, and I felt like we were a real family. I loved him. I did, so much and so blindly that I couldn't see what was right in front of me.

Now everything has changed, and what I thought would be the happiest moment of my life turned into a nightmare.

I missed a period and frankly, I didn't pay much attention to it. Jenny was turning 16 and I was busy organizing a party. I was worried when I missed my second period, but since my mom had gone into menopause at 40, I thought the same was happening to me. I finally went to the doctor and he told me I was pregnant.

I couldn't believe it! 'Jim' and I had never talked about having children together, we were so focused on raising Jenny and Jr. I hadn't thought about it, but now that I knew that tiny baby was growing in me I was ecstatic.

I went home and told 'Jim' we needed to talk, and I broke the news. I was completely unprepared for his reaction.

He started screaming at me, asking me who did I think I was to imagine he'd want a child with me. He said I wasn't good enough to be the mother of his child, that I wasn't worthy to lick his late wife's bootstraps. He was completely out of control. I didn't know him.

He said he wished that I was dead, that his first wife was alive instead of me, he told me he didn't want my baby - that we should both die.

Please, I can't think. All these years, all I've been to him was a stand-in. He never loved me. He never liked me. I was just there to play housekeeper, care for the children.

For two days he didn't speak to me, then he acted normal and I told him I couldn't be married to him anymore after what he'd said. He denied it! To my face, he denied it, said I was hysterical and hormonal and imagining things. He said he was shocked about the baby, but we could work things out.

I don't want him in my life. I can't stand to see him, hear him, the smell of him in my bed. All these years have been a lie. The children know something is wrong, they are anxious and acting up. I love them, but I don't know if I can continue living this lie.

I need some help, please, some sensible advice. I can't be sensible or rational right now.

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