My husband told me he wished I was dead instead of his first wife

Dear AmoMama,

I don't know how to verbalize this, I feel like the breath has been crushed out my body, I feel like a fool. 

I'm 39, and 9 years ago I met a man at a breast cancer fundraiser, and we hit it off. I had just lost my sister and he had lost his wife to the disease 3 years before. He was sweet and funny and I fell in love with him. 

'Jim' had two children he was raising on his own, and the kids were so amazing I ended up falling in love with them too. After a year, 'Jim' asked me to marry him, and I said yes. 

We got married and I did my best to give him and the children the home they deserved. I thought we were happy. I really did.

'Jim' was distant sometimes, but I know he was still dealing with his first wife's loss and the awful experience of living through her long fight against her cancer. In contrast, the kids - Jenny and Jr - were so loving and caring, and I felt like we were a real family.  I loved him. I did, so much and so blindly that I couldn't see what was right in front of me. 

Now everything has changed, and what I thought would be the happiest moment of my life turned into a nightmare.

I missed a period and frankly, I didn't pay much attention to it. Jenny was turning 16 and I was busy organizing a party. I was worried when I missed my second period, but since my mom had gone into menopause at 40, I thought the same was happening to me. I finally went to the doctor and he told me I was pregnant.

I couldn't believe it! 'Jim' and I had never talked about having children together, we were so focused on raising Jenny and Jr. I hadn't thought about it, but now that I knew that tiny baby was growing in me I was ecstatic.

I went home and told 'Jim' we needed to talk, and I broke the news. I was completely unprepared for his reaction.

He started screaming at me, asking me who did I think I was to imagine he'd want a child with me. He said I wasn't good enough to be the mother of his child, that I wasn't worthy to lick his late wife's bootstraps. He was completely out of control. I didn't know him. 

He said he wished that I was dead, that his first wife was alive instead of me, he told me he didn't want my baby - that we should both die.

Please, I can't think. All these years, all I've been to him was a stand-in. He never loved me. He never liked me. I was just there to play housekeeper, care for the children. 

For two days he didn't speak to me, then he acted normal and I told him I couldn't be married to him anymore after what he'd said. He denied it! To my face, he denied it, said I was hysterical and hormonal and imagining things. He said he was shocked about the baby, but we could work things out.

I don't want him in my life. I can't stand to see him, hear him, the smell of him in my bed. All these years have been a lie. The children know something is wrong, they are anxious and acting up. I love them, but I don't know if I can continue living this lie.

I need some help, please, some sensible advice. I can't be sensible or rational right now.

If you need help or advice, reach out to us, and thousands of women just like you who are struggling with the difficulties of life. You are not alone, we are here for you, and we listen; so write to us anonymously using this form.

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