3 weeks ago I lost my husband. How can I live through this tragedy?

Dear AmoMama,

I have had a happy family life with my beloved husband for more than 20 years. My life changed and it was certainly for the better. I can even say that there is a "before" and "after" I met him. Before I knew him, I was a silly girl who did not know what a real family was.

My husband taught me many things in life. He taught me to be patient, and he also taught me how to love. He taught me to miss him when he wasn't around. He taught me to be beautiful and he taught me what was best for me and him. And now he's gone...

It is a fact that we had problems like every married couple out there. We used to fight regularly. However, after each fight, he used to hug me and say: "Everything will be fine, my moneypenny" and then I felt safe, he knew how to calm me down. And now I seem to be alone against the world.

When my mother died three years ago, he took over all the funeral procedures and helped me carry that heavy burden. But when he died, no one could help me. I was alone, and nobody could comfort me like he used to do. Without a doubt, I could give my life for him. He was a real man, my man, and I was prepared to die with him.

As a gentleman, in all our disputes, he always let me win. Now he is not around anymore. I always remember my husband and I thank God when I listen to my friends talking about how bad their husbands are. Then, I look at his picture and become aware that he will never hug me again.

When I got sick, he used to come home early and made a cup of hot chocolate for me... I lost him 3 weeks ago and I still can't get my mind around that idea. He was taking a bath, he came out of the shower, looked at me and fell down.

A few seconds later, he died right in front of my eyes. He just left. He never complained about his health but was diagnosed with acute coronary insufficiency as his cause of death. We never knew about this, not even him knew about his condition.

He always treated me as his princess, he never let me have a hard time until this time came around and I felt lonelier than ever before. I was his life, and he was mine. That is what hurts the most about it, I've never told him how much I loved him. Now I regret it. He was such a sweetheart.

For medical reasons, we didn't have children. I wonder who I should live for. I am 44 now, and it is very difficult to start a life at this age. Different stupid thoughts entered my head, but I pushed them away. I have received help from a pastor, and the Bible has helped me as well.

Despite everything, I still find the everyday life to be very difficult for me, and several questions have come to mind. How do I survive his death? For whom do I live? Where can I find support? What do I do next? Maybe I just need to talk... Does anybody want to talk to me?

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