'I used to weigh 300-lbs, but since I've lost weight, I am unable to be faithful to any man'
I used to be quite heavy-set when I was in my twenties, and my self-esteem was at its absolute lowest at the time. I used to weigh 300-lbs, but since I've lost weight, I am unable to be faithful to any man.
I was fat-shamed all through high school and rejected by every boy I ever had a crush on. Since losing weight, I had to have a gastric bypass for the sake of my health, men seem to find me attractive and even strangers compliment me.
I used to be the 'fat girl' that nobody wanted but now men call me a Queen. The thing is, I may have lost the weight but my insecurity and self-esteem issues haven't disappeared. I still feel like the fat kid on the school bus that nobody would sit next to.
Getting male attention has proven to be addictive. I literally would do anything for a compliment. The only time I don't feel hideous and unlovable is during sex. So I have a lot of it. With anyone who gives me the time of day.
I allow random men to do whatever they want with me if only it means that for a couple of hours I have their undivided attention. I don't have any rules or make any demands and a lot of times; it's completely unprotected.
I feel pathetic and disgusting after the man of the hour has left and immediately start looking for someone else to fill the gap. I don't even remember their names and most times they don't come back for seconds.
I tell myself that I have no self-respect, but I also have no self-restraint. I try to stop, I know I could end up with HIV or something, but I just don't have the willpower.
I have tried to be in a serious monogamous relationship, but as soon as he stops stroking my ego by telling me I'm beautiful or calling me sexy, I just end up looking for attention from another man or men and ruin everything with casual one-night stands in endless motel rooms.
The thing is, I don't even get sexual pleasure from these encounters. I just do it to pretend I am wanted and to feel worthy. I am so ashamed of who I have become. How do I stop this unhealthy behavior before it kills me?
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