'I hit my husband, but only because I am frustrated with his cheating and lies'

Dear AmoMama,

My husband and I have been together for 5 years. We have no children and maybe that's for the best. Sometimes I hit my husband, but only because I am frustrated with his cheating and lies.

I don't mean to do it. I get so angry when I see suspicious texts or emails that I just lose it. And then I get mad at him for being spineless and not fighting back. I don't know what's wrong with me.

We met while working together. He told me his parents were abusive to him, he has marks from where his dad beat him as a kid. His mother protected only his sister and he used to get really sad about that.

My mum wouldn't win any "parent of the year" awards either and has three other children from three different men, the youngest of which I looked after.

He was very sweet and took me home for Christmas when he heard my mum was away and I would be home alone – mum was actually on a drinking binge with some new man and had dumped the kids at my aunt.

Somehow, we clicked and quickly decided to get married. We got an apartment and for the first time, we both felt free. Things were great, but then I started finding those texts and he would just deny everything. Make excuses for them.

I don't remember why I hit him the first time, I just remember the look in his eyes. He looked so lost and broken. My anger immediately fizzled out. I felt terrible. I apologized and promised it would never happen again. He also said he was sorry.

A few months ago, he lost his job when a co-worker, a woman in our office, accused him of sexual harassment. They had a disciplinary and I guess they had enough evidence to find him guilty because he was made to resign immediately.

He denied it all to me. Said they were hounding him out because he had asked for a raise. Told me the woman was jealous of me and was just trying to cause trouble between us. I still work with this woman and I can't even look her in the eye anymore.

That night, I almost put him in hospital. I don't even remember what I did only that I used whatever was nearby and hit him until he bled. He never raised a hand to me once. Just looked at me with that puppy dog look he has.

I know hitting him is not okay, but it's also not okay that he lies and cheats and doesn't care about my feelings at all. My in-laws are completely on my side about his cheating, he hasn't mentioned that I hit him and anyway, who would believe him?

All I want is to be able to trust him. Is that too much to ask from my husband? I want to come home from work and not wonder why the bed is unmade or why there are two coffee mugs in the sink.

I want to get into bed and not smell cheap perfume I don't wear or find dirty underwear in my couch cushions. I just want my husband to be satisfied in our relationship. I want him to find a job. What more can I do to make this work?

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