September 05, 2018

'He wanted to be a father so badly that I turned to my brother-in-law for help'

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Dear AmoMama,

I feel like a terrible person. All I wanted to do was make my husband happy. He wanted to be a father so badly that I turned to my brother-in-law for help, and now I have regrets.

My dear husband and I have been married for 8 years, we are both 37, and for the past 6 years, we have tried to conceive using every method possible, to no avail.

We have joked about it, cried about it, laughed about it, screamed about, and recently, fought about it. I love my husband so much, I would literally do anything for him.

I have suggested we go for fertility tests before and he absolutely balked at the idea. He pointed out that his brother had no problems and that he wouldn't either. The two are naturally competitive but in a healthy way. I secretly went to have myself tested a year ago and the doctor says the fault is definitely not with me.

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My husband's brother has 5 children, and he got married 2 years before we did. They are sweet replicas of their daddy and I often imagine that my husband's children would look very similar since my father-in-law always says their "genes are strong." 

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His family got together for his mom's 70th and after having one too many drinks my father-in-law asked us, yet again when we were planning to have children. My husband laughed it off but I saw the glimmer of pain in his eye.

Then his father did what he always does, he pointed at my brother-in-law's kids and told my husband that his brother knew how to get the job done and to ask him if he needed any tips. My sister-in-law laughed and said that her husband just needed to look at her for her to get morning sickness.

We left soon after but their comments stuck in my head.

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I did the unthinkable and called my brother-in-law up the next day and asked if he could meet me for lunch. He was very courteous and our lunch was enjoyable.

Feeling comfortable, I broached the subject about my husband being infertile and not knowing and how much we wanted to have children.

I then asked my brother-in-law if he would be open to donating his sperm, secretly, so I could impregnate myself. I expected the conversation to go one of two ways, disgust or laughter, but incredibly, the man in front of me agreed in a heartbeat, with tears in his eyes.

Without being gross about it, he gave me his first donation right there in that restaurant, ducking into the bathroom with a styrofoam cup. I was home in 15 minutes and, having done no research, used a good old turkey baster - just like a cavewoman.

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By the next morning, I had changed my mind and decided that I couldn't go through with this and that the very idea made me nauseous. I called my brother-in-law up and he agreed that in retrospect, he also started having doubts about keeping such a large secret from his wife. We agreed it would go no further.

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It's 6 weeks later, I am pregnant and I don't know how to feel about it. I know that my husband will never suspect that the child isn't really his but a DNA test would never be able to prove anything. For all intents and purposes, it is his and I know we would make wonderful parents.

I did it out of desperation. I love him so much. All I want is to have my little family and be happy. A child in our home would be treated like a prince or princess. Why am I feeling so much guilt and regret? I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't commit a sin or even a crime. Am I a terrible wife?

If you need help or advice, reach out to us, and thousands of women just like you who are struggling with the difficulties of life. You are not alone, we are here for you, and we listen; so write to us anonymously using this form.

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