5 funny jokes to raise your mood

One thing one can never do enough of is to laugh, to be distracted from everyday hassles long enough to find pleasure in something can make the world of difference.

The following five jokes are sure to get the giggles going any time of the day.

A husband and wife playing golf

While walking towards the greens during a game of golf the wife asked her husband out of the blue, “Honey if I died would you get married again?”

The husband replied, “No sweetie.”

His wife noted, “I’m sure you would.”

Giving in, the husband said: “Ok, I would.”

After she gave it a bit more thought, the wife asked: “Would you let her sleep in our bed?”

Apprehensively nodding the husband replied, “Yes, I guess so.”

The wife pressed on and asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”

Matter of factly the husband said: “No, she’s left-handed.”

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A husband and wife were in marriage counseling

The counselor sat the married couple down and explained that it is essential for a couple to know the things that are important to each other.

After being satisfied that he had imprinted the importance of the matter on them, he turned o the husband and asked: “Can you describe your wife’s favorite flower?”

Trying to look discrete the husband leaned towards his wife and whispered: “It’s self-rising, isn’t it?”

A know-it-all man went to the pet shop

An obnoxious man went into a pet shop to look for a new pet. After searching through the fish section, he made his selection and called over a worker and asked:

“Now, do you know much about these fish?”

The man scoffed at the worker and replied, “Of course I do.”

The worker shrugged it off and asked the man if he can help him select the right food, upon which the man replied rudely again, “Do you think I’m an idiot? I can do it myself!”

As the worker got to the task of taking the selected fish out, he asked the man, “Would you like an aquarium?”

Now very annoyed with the worker the man exclaimed, “Look, just give me the fish, I don’t care what star sign it is!”

A man goes out drinking with his friends

A man promised his wife he’d be home by midnight after going out with buddies for a drink. Midnight came and went, and the clock was about to strike three when he came home. While slinking in, he realized the cuckoo clock was about to go off.

With a flash of genius, he decided to add another nine coo’s after the clock goes off, so it sounds like 12. Pleased by the apparent success of his plan he snuck into bed.

The man woke up the next day and found his wife not to be mad at all, upon which he cautiously asked, “You slept okay last night?”

Nodding, his wife replied, “Fine, but we need a new cuckoo clock.”

Confused the man asked why and the wife explained:

“Last night it cooed three times, then it yelled ‘Crap!’, cooed another six times and giggled. Then it cooed three more times, tripped over the cat and farted.”

A newly ordained priest asked for advice

A newly ordained priest, nervous about hearing confessions, finally asks an older priest to observe how he does and give some tips. After listening in on the second confession, the older priest suggested that the younger man fold his arms, maybe rub his chin with one hand while saying phrases like “I see,” “I understand” or “Yes, my child. Go on”.

The young priest puts the suggestions into practice and later tells the older priest how much it has helped to get more information from his flock.

“You’ve done well,” said the older man. “Isn’t that much better than slapping your knee and yelling ‘No way! What happened next?'”

Just for the fun of it and in light of the festive season, here are some extra jokes to enjoy!

A technical Christmas

Q. What do you get if you cross a Christmas tree with an iPad?A. A pineapple!

Rudolph's bad grades

Q: “Why didn’t Rudolph get a good report card?” A: “Because he went down in History.”

Elf cars

Q: What cars do elves drive?A: A toyYoda.

Santa Language

Q: What is Santa’s primary language? A: North Polish.