Hilarious Explanation of Why Men and Women Are Not Alike

Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. We've all read the book or at least heard the discussion around it. Men and women are just not alike.

After countless hours of social surveys and academic studies on the following topic, here are the funny "facts":

RELATIONSHIPS: First, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis."

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup - at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted you to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us."

This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.

SEX: Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

HATS: Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's."

It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

BATHROOMS: A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

GOING OUT: When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out. When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup...

LEG WARMERS: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head...

GARAGES: Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.

MOVIES: For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind." For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in "Public Enemy."

JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes vary with the individual.

Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap, and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an expensive foreign sports car.

LOW BLOWS: Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television, and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels pain.

ADMITTING MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works out at the health club and dates only married women.

NUDITY IN MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. Not in abstract terms, either. They're graphic and technical, and they *never* lie.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.

When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.

WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party."

SOCKS: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat socks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

PLANTS: A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man will water the plants. The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

MUSTACHES: Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.

NICKNAMES: With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle.

But if Mike, Dave, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.

How many of these massive generalizations hit home? If you enjoyed a giggle, share it with your friends.

It is said women shouldn’t think too much about the non-verbal cues they get from men. Most of the time, what women think men are thinking about turns out to be the complete opposite of what they are really thinking about.

Donald Trump Jr, the 41-year-old son of President Trump, recently got divorced from his wife of 13 years, actress, socialite, and model, Vanessa Trump née Haydon.

The couple shares five children together and their reasons for divorcing are undisclosed. The divorce proceedings started off as uncontested and then turned into a contested one with the details of the switch remaining unknown.

Vanessa filed for divorce in 2018 with speculations running rife about the grounds for it amid rumors of philandering. The truth will only come to light when either of the parties chooses to go public.

Trump and his ex received praise from the presiding Judge for their intention to amicably co-parent their children, the youngest being three-year-old Chloe Sophia, then Spencer who is five years old, followed by six-year-old Tristan Milos, Donald Trump III, 8, and ten-year-old Kai Madison. 

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