To the woman dating my husband

If you are dating a really charming funny guy, who is a great cook, a smooth talker but has a suspicious mark on his ring finger and is never available on weekends, the following may be you, or more than one 'you', so please read it to the end.

I want to let you know you left your red lipstick in the glove compartment of his SUV, and also on his shirt collar. I hope the size 38 B bra is yours too? Otherwise, he is cheating on us both with a woman with giant bazookas and bad personal hygiene.

I just want to warn you that once the glow wears off you will discover he is a selfish lover and a bad-tempered drunk. He spends more than he earns and then will move on to your pay-check. He has gotten us into debt twice and led me into bankruptcy. His family is unpleasant and rude and will not like you no matter what you do.

If he's told you he is single, it's a lie. At best he just wants to use you for sex; at worse, he is courting you to replace me as his next meal ticket.

I advise you to be wiser than I was: Get out while the going is good before he spends your money and wears out you joy and your youth, like he did mine.

PS: We have three children, a boy of 8, and two girls: 13 and 15, who will be spending the weekends and holidays with you. I will send along a list of likes and dislikes and chores he will expect you to do alone while he drinks beer and watches TV.

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