I would not respect myself after what happened if I would forgive him. I can never erase from my memory the fact that he has raised his hand to me. However, my situation is shaky. I really need your advice, I cannot help but justify his behavior, even unconsciously, so I won't end up alone.
We have been married for over 2 years. Our relationship before we got married only lasted about three months. Everything happened so quickly, and he proposed to me almost immediately. I've always thought that what his way of showing me how determined and passionate he was.
During this time we had no out of the ordinary fights. We were not much different from any other couples out there.
Before our marriage, my husband was married once and had a daughter from that relationship. He and his ex-wife don’t get along very well as she puts her daughter against him. When they saw each other last time, his daughter told him that she didn’t consider him as her real father. Is in moments like these that I feel sad for him.
Instead of being grateful, his ex-wife tells the friends they have in common how bad he is, she is always asking for money, and it gets worse just by putting the girl against her. She is a vile woman who hates him with all her soul, to say the least.
He often makes comparisons between our marriage and his previous relationship. One day I asked him in a very emotional way not to mention his ex-wife at our house ever again. He asked for forgiveness and promised not to do it again, until that ill-fated night we had.
I suggested having a baby for the past 6 months. He was already used to avoid this issue and knew how to do it in various ways. Sometimes he joked about it, one time he said that it was not the right time, and then we would never talk about it again. I felt that maybe I was very insistent and I removed an unequivocal answer from this topic.
Last Friday, I was waiting for him to come back late at night because I did not want to sleep by myself. He stayed late at work and got very drunk with his co-workers. As soon as he arrived in that altered and iffy state, I knew he wanted to have sex with me.
Taking advantage of the situation, I whispered in his ear: "Let's try to have a baby now". At that moment, he pushed me hard and shouted: "I do not want any more children, with my daughter that b*tch is enough". He became hysterical and started yelling and breaking stuff around the house.
Then he sat on the couch, and a way to calm him down I sat on his lap and we started kissing. He told me "Let's not continue raising the issue of these little bastards". Anger invaded me at that moment. Just thinking about him calling our future children bastards was enough to stir me up inside.
I slapped him in the face without even thinking, and immediately regretted it. I could only see shock and disbelief in his face, just moments after I realized what I had done, but he was already angry.
He reacted by jumping abruptly and hitting me hard with his fist in the stomach. At that moment, everything inside me turned around. I collapsed on the floor and grabbed my stomach from the pain. He immediately realized what had happened and became sober for a while, started running around the house and asked for forgiveness a million times.
Then he repented and said he didn’t want to hit me. He then asked me to forgive him and he said he wanted to have children with me. Then he said he punched me in the stomach so no one could see the hits. I don't know what to think of him after this.
The next day, he came home with a bouquet of flowers and gold earrings. He is just acting weird. He tries to be kind and affectionate, but all I can see is cowardice.
I don’t know if after that I can forgive him. What should I do in this situation? Does anybody have any advice for me? Please, I need your help!