How do I live after I have cheated on him?

Dear AmoMama,

I have no excuse for what I did. I was stupid, and I was vain and that is why I cheated. My husband loves me, we've always had great sex. We were a happy couple, and still would be if I wasn't so venal.

Two weeks ago we went to his sister's 50th birthday party in LA. She is a producer and I knew the party would be glamorous so I maxed out the credit card and got myself this vamp dress and designer heels, and when we walked into that party I felt like a movie star.

I don't remember having had so much fun in my life, and I drank a lot more than I usually do. At dinner, my husband was seated at his sister's right hand and I was further down seated between a writer and a young actor.

Source: Pexels

Source: Pexels

I recognized the actor as a guy who was starring in this new cop show, and we started chatting. He was so fascinated by me, and I was so flattered that when he put his hand on my leg under the table I just smiled.

I mean, here I was, a 42-year-old housewife from Portland, and a man who could have gorgeous starlets wanted ME.

After dinner and a lot of surreptitious touching, he spirited me upstairs into one of the bedrooms and we made love. That is a lie. He had sex with me. It was hurried and uncomfortable and not very good at all. All that excitement I'd felt at the dinner table evaporated.

Source: Pexels

Source: Pexels

I came downstairs feeling filthy and stupid and saw my husband looking for me. He introduced me to another one of my sister's friends and he looked so proud of me. 

I have never felt so sick, so disgusted with my self. I don't think I'd ever felt true shame and regret until that night.

I can't look my husband in the eyes, and I avoid his touch, I feel so dirty. I don't deserve him, or his trust. He's been asking me what is wrong, and I know he is very worried about me.

Source: Pexels

Source: Pexels

What can I say to him? I'm ok but I'm a filthy slut? I feel that if I come clean and tell him, we can work through this. But I don't want to see that pain and disappointment in his eyes. Please, what should I do?

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