The New Year is a time to feel rejuvenated by the promise of a fresh start. It's also a time to laugh off the mistakes of the past.
We remember both the good and bad of the past year and look to the new one with more experience and wisdom.
Sometimes, the bad situations we left behind seem to stick with us as we're trying to move past them. Here are five jokes to help you shake off the old year and look forward to new beginnings.
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One New Year's Eve, a woman named Marilyn stood up in her local pub and said that it was it was time to prepare for the new year. She instructed everyone that, at the stroke of midnight, every husband should be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
It turned out to be pretty embarrassing for her fellow women. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
A woman walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a tattoo of a Christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh. Bemused, the tattoo artists said that that's an unusual request.
He asked: "Why do you want two tattoos there?" To which the woman responded: "Because my husband needs to eat between Christmas and New Years."
Women tend to get a little more excited about New Year's Eve than men do. For them, it's like an excuse: you drink too much and you make a lot of promises you're not going to keep.
Then the next morning as soon as you wake up, you start breaking them. For men, we just call that a regular date.
A senator in the USA was once asked about his opinion on whiskey. He responded:
"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it."
"But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable portion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it."
"This is my position, and I will not compromise."
A drunk man entered a bar and said: "Happy New Year everybody." The waiter responded: "We are in June, you drunk man."
The drunk man said: "Oh my god! My wife is going to kill me! I have never been so late in my life!"
My brother's New Year's resolution is to get his own place and leave our parents' home. I really expected him to try a new resolution by now. It's been 49 years.
My grandparents made resolutions like giving to charity and spending more time together. As for me, I've decided to make my own cup of coffee at least once a week.
Last New Years I made a resolution to never be late again, but I didn't get out of bed until January 2.
In 2016, one couple made a resolution to lose weight and actually stuck with it. Lexi and Danny Reed lost a combined total of 400 pounds as of 2018.
The pair were married for a year before they decided to make the move together. Since starting their journey they said they have grown closer and are happier being healthier.
As for me, my new year's resolution is to eat healthier. Henceforth, I will only date guys who can pay to take me out anywhere other than McDonald's.