An 86-year-old woman wrote a caustic letter to her bank over a bounced check that will have you in stitches.
Below is an actual letter sent to a bank by an elderly woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
The elderly woman made sure to let them know that they picked the wrong woman to mess with it.
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from how this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an OFFENCE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages; so that I know as much about them as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that a Notary Public must countersign all copies of their medical history. The mandatory details of their financial situation (income, debts, assets, and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN they must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits, but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case, I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorised Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press * for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year?
Your Humble Client.
Now, that is one way to let them know you can handle them. Hilarious, though, but this is the kind of letter many establishments need for them to sit up! Older people definitely know this!
Another joke that might get you laughing is that of an old woman who went out to the bank and placed a bet with one of the bankers. Here's what transpired:
An old lady walks into a bank and says, "I would like to set up an account."
The man at the desk says, "Okay, how much would you like to deposit?"
The woman replies, "$5,000."
"Wow!" says the man, "where did you get all of that?"
"I like to make bets."
"What type of bets?"
The woman replied, "Tomorrow, when I will come in, you will have a butterfly tattoo on your left buttock. I will bet all the money I am about to deposit."
"Deal," says the man.
Old woman with lawyer and banker | Source: Shutterstock
The next day the old woman walked in again with her lawyer.
The man at the counter pulled down his pants to show the old woman his empty left buttock.
"I win!" he said as the woman handed him his money.
Behind her, the lawyer put his head in his hands. "What's wrong with that guy?" the banker asked.
The old woman replied, "He is just a sore loser. I bet him $10,000 that the man at the counter of this bank would moon us."