Elderly Lady Sends Epic Letter to Bank after They Bounced Her Check
A bank once received the wittiest letter from an elderly lady who was charged for a bounced check.
The manager of the bank reportedly decided to get this letter published in the New York Times. It read as follows.
"Dear Sir: I would like to thank you for bouncing my check which I hoped would compensate my plumber last month. If I calculated correctly, there were three seconds between his presenting the check and my funds' arrival in my account.
Of course, I am speaking about my automatic deposit from my pension that comes in every month. I confess that's it been just eight years since this process began.
I commend you for taking advantage of that brief window of opportunity and, further, for debiting my account $30 as a penalty for the inconvenience to you.
I am also thanking you for leading me to revise how I go about my finances. I observed that while I personally respond to your calls and letters -- when I try to reach you, I am faced with an impersonal, pre-recorded, often times faceless entity that is your bank.
Henceforce, I will copy you and only deal with a flesh-and-blood human being. From now on, my mortgage and loan repayments will reach your bank by check.
This check will be addressed to an employee whom you will nominate. He alone can open the envelope with the check, otherwise, you will be committing an offense under the Postal Act.
Attached to this letter is an Application Contact which the employee must complete. I apologize for the eight pages, but you might understand that I want to know as much about this person as your bank knows about me.
Please include all copies of his or her medical history which should be countersigned by a Notary Public. Also required is his/her financial situation, including income, debts, assets, and liabilities, along with documented proof.
When I see fit, I will share a PIN number with the employee with they must use to interact with me. Unfortunately, 28 digits is the minimum I require as I have based this around the number of buttons I press to access my account balance via your bank's telephone service.
You know what they say: imitation is the best form of flattery. And to level the playing field further, here are the button presses to be made when calling me.
Please press the Star (*) button right after you dial to hear English. Press #1, for appointments, #2 to query a missing payment, and #3 to transfer the call to my living room where I may be relaxing.
Press #4 to transfer to my bedroom where I may be sleeping, #5 to transfer to the bathroom where I may be attending to nature, and #6 to transfer to my mobile phone in case I am out.
You can press #7 to leave a message on my computer. If you choose this option you will need a password. I shall give that information to the selected employee referred to earlier.
Press #8 to return to the main menu, #9 to make a general inquiry and #10 to be referred again to press * for English. The process may get lengthy but do not fret, I will have uplifting music playing in the background throughout the call.
Another regrettable necessity is that I will have to charge you an establishment fee for setting up this arrangement. I wish you a happy, and perhaps slightly less prosperous New Year. Your Humble Client.
And don't forget, never make an old person angry. We don't much enjoy being up there in age so it takes very little to get on our bad side."
Another witty woman and her husband were having a fight and not speaking to each other.
As they were going to bed, the man remembered that he had a business flight at 5 am the next morning and his wife had to wake him up.
Not wanting to give in and break the silence, he wrote down, "Please wake me up at 5 am" on a piece of paper. He put it on a table near the bed so she would see it.
The next morning, the man woke to find that it was 9 am and he had missed his flight. Fully awake and angry, he saw that his wife had left a note on his table that read, "It's 5 o'clock, wake up."