May 05, 2020
Cats have nine lives, but they're better known for their laziness rather than for being daredevils. They'll fight and claw to get their next meal, though.
One day, the fire department got a phone call from someone who sounded hysterical. The voice on the other end was in a panic.
"Help me, please help me!" There's a cat meowing and yowling constantly and in a craze. It's going to hurt me!
"In fact, I think it's going to kill me. Can you please send help and the firing squad as soon as possible?"
The fireman responded, "Relax there, cats don't hurt us. Just take it easy and wait until he leaves."
"I don't think you understand. It's definitely going to bite and I'm sure it'll end up killing me. It's going to be a fatal attack!"
"Cats aren't poisonous like snakes or spiders. Who is this anyway?" the fireman asked.
"I'm Josephine's parrot, you idiot!"
A CAT WALKS INTO A BAR
A cat entered the bank and the bartender asks it: "What can I get for ya?"
The cat responds: "A shot of whiskey."
The bartender pours the drink for the furry customer and rests it on the bar.
Very slowly, the cat pushes the shot off the bar until it drops. It then immediately demands: "Another!"
TWO CATS START TALKING
Two cats were having a conversation one day. They were both looking into a green canary's cage. After some time the first cat told the other one: "That's not a canary, it's green!"
The other cat just shrugged and answered: "I dunno, maybe it's not ripe yet!"
A BEAR, A WALK, AND A MOOSE IN A CAVE
A bear, a wolf, and a moose all fell into a trapping pit in the forest one day. No hunter came for them.
After two days, the moose observed the wolf and bear whispering between themselves.
The wolf then turned to the moose and said, "Look, the bear and I are both carnivores and it's been a couple of days without food now."
"You understand, right?"
The moose replied: "Yeah, I guess you're right. Listen, though, before you kill and eat me, can I make a final request?"
He continued: "There's a birthmark underneath my tail that supposedly looks like a word, but I've never been able to read it."
"Do you think you could take a look and let me know what it says?"
The wolf answered, "Of course."
Both the wolf and the bear went up close to the back of the moose and lifted his tail.
Right then, the moose got up on his front legs and kicked the wolf and the bear in the chest.
The wolf died instantly. The bear was fatally wounded and used his dying breath to say one more thing.
"I don't even know why the hell I looked. I can't even read."
April 02, 2020