Today's joke will serve as a handy guide for all the Americans who wish to travel to France. If you or anyone in your friends or family are planning a vacation to the French Republic anytime soon, this one's for you.
France is a top tourist attraction for many Americans. This is why some official American departments like the Central Intelligence Agency, the Centers for Disease Control, and a few expensive spy satellites unknown to the French have compiled a travel guide.
This travel guide comes courtesy of Patti McGuire, a tour guide who is not French. It is meant solely for American tourists, and the information provided may or may not be wholly accurate. France is an average-sized country located in Europe and is not deemed as important as its world image.
The neighboring countries of France include Germany, Switzerland, Spain, and some other small-sized nations of little to no importance and no shopping attractions. Moreover, France is an ancient country and a treasure trove featuring the Louvre, Eiffel Tower, and EuroDisney.
The French Republic prides itself in introducing champagne, Camembert cheese, and the guillotine but isn't at all modernized. There is hardly any concept of air conditioning and finding Mexican food is highly unlikely. The locals are fond of speaking French and will only resort to English if they hear someone screaming at them.
The Americans are advised to be careful with their money, just like they would in any other foreign country. France is a largely populated country of 54 million people. The French smoke and drink excessively, drive like maniacs, exhibit a dangerous sexual drive, and hate to wait in a queue.
The people in France are generally broody, haughty, rude, undisciplined, distant, and also have temper issues, but these are their positive traits. The majority of the French are Roman Catholic, but their behavior may state otherwise. There are also communists, and they prefer to bask in the sun topless.
The French men sometimes have female names like Marie, and they share kisses when giving out awards. Thus, American tourists are advised to stay in groups and wear colorful pants and baseball caps for ease of identification. Even though France is considered a safe country, invasions from Germany are common.
While the French citizens can easily surrender, it does not wreak much havoc other than a short-term Scotch whiskey shortage and increased complications in the stock market and baseball scores. There is an underground tunnel connecting France to Great Britain and can be used by the government to escape to London.
The French Republic was discovered in the Dark Ages by Charlemagne. There are also a few historical personalities associated with France, including Louis XIV and Charles de Gaulle, who was the French president and is now the famous CDG airport.
The French are proud of their culture, even though their music sounds repetitive, and their movies are only worth watching because of the nude sequences. It's also hard to decide what's more tedious - a French novel or an evening spent in the company of a French family.
The French cuisine involves too much garlic, but the croissants taste excellent, even though Americans have a tough time getting the pronunciation right. This is why the tourists are suggested to eat cheeseburgers at renowned hotel chains like Holiday Inn and Sheraton.
Another surprising piece of information about France is that it has a record-breaking number of 361 national holidays. These include saints' days, national liberation days, the return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if He Won the War Single-Handed Days, and many others.
Before you proceed with your traveling plans, remember that if you suffer an injury or are victimized, you can contact the American Embassy between 5:15 am and 5:20 am on Tuesdays or Wednesdays. The consulate officials might respond to your SOS call with a list of dentists or something useless.
Another thing to remember is that nobody is compelling you to travel to a foreign country. If you're in the mood for a vacation, you can turn to Miami Beach, just like all of us.
On the whole, France has a rich culture, awe-inspiring landscapes, and moderate weather. In other words, it would have been a delightful country if the French didn't populate it. Regardless, its most positive attribute is that it is not Germany.
If you enjoyed reading this joke, check out this other one where a pilot welcomes his passengers on board.