A few jokes to brighten up any couple's day!
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A child asked his father: "How were people born?"
The father replied, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies grew up and made their own babies, and so on."
The kid then went to his mother and asked the same question.
Mom replied: "We were monkeys then we evolved, then throughout the years we evolved into the humans we are today."
He ran back to his father and shouted, "You lied to me!"
His father replied: "No, your mother was telling you about her side of the family."
A wife was curious about what her husband thought of her and asked: "How would you describe me?"
Confused, she asked: "What does that mean?"
The husband then explained: "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fashionable, Gorgeous, and Hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm Just Kidding!"
A woman goes to the doctor and complains that her husband has no interest in her anymore, sexually. The doctor prescribes a pill but warns her that the use of it is still experimental. He suggests that grinds the pill to a fine powder and mix it with her husband mashed potatoes at dinner.
At supper that night, she hesitates at first but then mixes the pill in with his food anyway. The following week, the wife returns to the doctor with wonderful news. She says: "Doc! The pill worked like magic! I mixed it in with his mashed potatoes like you said. Five minutes later, he jumped up, shoved all the food and dishes off the table and onto the floor before he grabbed me, tore off my clothes and ravaged me right there on the table!"
The doctor was quite surprised about the pill's power and said: "I'm so sorry, we didn't realize how strong an effect it would have on your husband! The foundation will gladly pay for any damages.
The wife replies: "No that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway!"
PRETTY OR UGLY?
Wife: "Am I pretty or ugly?"
Husband: "You're both."
Wife: "What do you mean?"
Husband: "You're pretty ugly."
COMPLIMENTS FROM THE DOCTOR!
A woman returns home after her doctor's appointment, grinning from ear to ear. Her husband sees her smile and asks: "Why are you so happy?"
The wife replies: "The doctor told me that for a 45-year-old woman, I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.
"Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your 45-year-old ass?"
She snidely replied: "Nothing. Your name never came up in the conversation."
A CLEVER LIE
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, they just couldn't control their urges and left in a hurry for her house.
Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and woke up again around 8 p.m. The man threw on his clothes and told his mistress to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Confused, she did as he asked and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded when he arrived at home.
"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
FINISHED TOO SOON
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch and watching a boxing match on television.
The husband sighs deeply and says: "This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!"
"Good!" quipped his wife. "Now you know how I always feel!"
AN ESCAPE CONVICT
A convict escapes from prison where he has spent the past 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for supplies and finds a young couple asleep in bed.
He orders the man out of bed and ties him to a chair. The convict then ties the woman to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck before he gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent years and years in prison and hasn't seen a woman in ages. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
His wife calmly responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"