I am afraid that my husband will reject me if he knows about my ugly past

Dear AmoMama,

I am 42 years old and I have been married to a wonderful, loving man for three years now, and we are expecting our first child.

I met my husband at church. I had just moved into town, and one Sunday I was feeling lonely and walked into a church during service.

The man who was preaching touched my heart with his compassion and his faith, and eased the pain in my soul. When the service was over, he walked over to me and introduced himself, welcomed me, and invited me to join him and his congregation on a picnic. 

After that, I started going to that church every Sunday, and I knew after a while, that I was in love with this man. I was blessed, because somehow he loved me too, and he asked me to be his wife and to help him in his mission to serve God's children. I accepted and we got married. I can't tell you how happy I have been living with this man, and according to God's law. 

Our joy is doubled since I discovered 6 months ago that I was expecting a child. I had thought I would never conceive, and this is a true miracle. My heart is so full, but there is a terrible weight on my conscience.

I never told my husband where I came from, or what my life had been like before we met, and he never asked. It was almost as if I had been reborn when I walked through that door and met him. 

The truth is that though I was a waitress when we met, I had earned my living as a prostitute. I had run away from home at 16, when my mother remarried, and ended up on the streets in New York, like so many do.

I got hooked on drugs and God only knows how I didn't die. I fell into the depths of depravity, all for drink and drugs. One day a woman I'd befriended died in my arms and I knew that if I didn't do something to change my life I would be next. I joined AA and fought to get clean, and I did. 

Then I was contacted by a lawyer who informed me my mother had passed away and left me a small legacy. I took that money and moved to the town where I now live and bought myself a modest little house. 

That is my truth, and I know I should tell my husband, that there should be no secrets and no lies between us. Especially now, that we are bringing a new soul into this world. 

I want to speak to him, tell him everything, but I am petrified. I know he is loving and compassionate, but will his love for me change? I am his beloved wife, but how will he feel when he knows what sordid and degrading things I used to do?

Will he still love me? Will he still want me? Or will he feel repulsed by me? I am divided between my need to do the right thing and my fear that he will reject me. 

If you need help or advice, reach out to us, and thousands of women just like you who are struggling with the difficulties of life. You are not alone, we are here for you, and we listen; so write to us anonymously using this form.

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