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February 14, 2019

The perks of being over 60 and retired

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If laughter is good for the soul, then our jokes are guaranteed to cheer you up and energize you for the day. 

That said, growing up is no joke, but we need to be reminded of the fun parts of aging. After all, a good joke never gets old.

So here's to living a longer and healthier life with plenty of laughs and giggles. We hope you enjoy our selection of jokes this week.

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ONE FINE WEEK

A snarky man asked an elderly citizen how many days are there in a week. The pensioner answered: "Six Saturdays and one Sunday."

A CAUSE FOR CONCERN

A distraught senior phoned her doctor’s office and asked if the pills he prescribed has to be taken for the rest of her life. He answered: 

“Yes, I’m afraid so.”

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked "NO REFILLS."

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TEACHING THE SALESPERSON A LESSON 

Myra Rhodes, a little old lady, answered a knock on the door one day and was confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

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“Good morning, ma’am,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”

“Go away!” said Myra. “I’m broke and haven’t got any money,” and she proceeded to close the door.

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Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty,” he commanded. 

“Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

“Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, ma’am, I will personally eat the remainder,” he said.

Myra stepped back and said with a smile, “Well let me get you a spoon, young man, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”

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A BICKERING COUPLE AND FIVE DOLLARS

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." 

And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs five dollars, and five dollars is five dollars." 

This year, Stumpy and Martha went to the fair again, and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year, I may never get another chance."

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Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs five dollars, and five dollars is five dollars." The pilot overheard them and said:

"Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word, it's five dollars." 

Stumpy and Martha agreed, and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word or a squeal is heard. 

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He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word or a sound. They land, and the pilot turns to Stumpy and say: 

"By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I can't charge you the five dollars. The ride is free." 

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but five dollars is five dollars."

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BEHIND THE WHEEL

Two senior women, Marie and Edith, were out driving in a large car but they could barely see over the dashboard. 

As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. 

Edith, the passenger, thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." 

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, and the light was red. Again they went right through. 

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This time Edith was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. 

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. 

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they went right through, and she turned to the Marie and said:

"Marie! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" 

Marie turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

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SHARING IS CARING

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. 

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As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. 

Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. 

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The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. 

The gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared 50/50." 

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

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A CRAPPY PREDICAMENT

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains, and bodily functions. One seventy-year-old man says:

"I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven, and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

An eighty-year-old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight, and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement." 

The ninety-year-old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow." "So what's your problem?" asked the others. "I don't wake up until nine."

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Need more jokes? Fear not, find more here

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