April 09, 2020
Often, a little humility goes a long way in keeping you protected, even when you think you're in the right. One officer learned the hard way.
A Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) officer arrived at a ranch in Texas and came upon the rancher.
The officer told him, "I need to inspect your ranch right now for illegally grown substances."
The rancher says, "Sure, but make sure you avoid going into that field over there," and he points out a location.
The DEA officer immediately gets riled up, saying, "Sir, I am fully back by the authority of the Federal Government."
He reached into the back pocket of his pants and removed his badge, which he boastfully held up for the rancher to see.
"Do you see this badge?" the officer asked. "This badge means I can go wherever I want. On any piece of land. With no questions asked or answers given."
The officer continued on: "Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The rancher nodded politely and apologized. He then continued doing some chores.
A brief while later, the rancher heard loud screams. He looked over and saw the DEA officer running at breakneck speed.
He was being chased by the rancher's large, brown Santa Gertrudis bull. The animal was gaining on the officer, who was terrified.
It clearly looked like the only outcome was that the officer would be gored by the bull. The rancher threw down all his tools and ran to the fence.
There, he cried loudly: "Your badge... show him your badge!"
A bear, a wolf, and a moose all fell into a trapping pit in the forest one day. No hunter came for them.
After two days, the moose observed the wolf and bear whispering between themselves.
The wolf then turned to the moose and said, "Look, the bear and I are both carnivores and it's been a couple of days without food now."
"You understand, right?"
The moose replied: "Yeah, I guess you're right. Listen, though, before you kill and eat me, can I make a final request?"
He continued: "There's a birthmark underneath my tail that supposedly looks like a word, but I've never been able to read it."
"Do you think you could take a look and let me know what it says?"
The wolf answered, "Of course."
Both the wolf and the bear went up close to the back of the moose and lifted his tail.
Right then, the moose got up on his front legs and kicked the wolf and the bear in the chest.
The wolf died instantly. The bear was fatally wounded and used his dying breath to say one more thing.
"I don't even know why the hell I looked. I can't even read."
Two rednecks were walking from different ends of a street towards each other. One was carrying a bag.
When they met up, one of them said. "Hey Jimmy, what's that you there in your bag?"
"Just some chickens," Jimmy replied.
"If I guesses how many ya got, can I have one?"
"Shoot, if ya guess just right, I'll give you both of them?"
"Okay! Umm, I think it's five!"
February 24, 2020