July 03, 2019
Taking a gamble means that you could lose it all, but an experienced gambler never places all his bets on the same pony. Grandpa shows them how it's done in this fictitious story.
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to their office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up smartly dressed with his attorney in tow. The auditor said:
"Well, sir, we have noticed that you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment – which you explain by saying that you win money through gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it to you, sonny," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." Grandpa says theatrically, "I bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks that's ridiculous, and says, "It's a bet." Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, "Now, I bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet knowing the old man couldn't possibly be able to remove his other eye, too.
Grandpa removes his dentures instead and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and take a whizz into the wastebasket on the other side, and never lose a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is a little cautious, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains hard, he just can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side. He ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps up with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"
Let that be a lesson learned. Be careful who you gamble with! Did this IRS joke have you in stitches? Remember to share it with your friends!