February 03, 2021
Imagine this scenario, you’re heavily pregnant, get into a massive fight with your husband, and he leaves you during a storm. After taking years of abuse, you consider barring him from the birth.
Imagine being married to someone who has anger issues, ADHD, and bipolar disease, for six years of your life. The marriage is filled with emotional and verbal abuse because he has mood cycles.
You try to work on the relationship by going to therapy for two years, and he even goes on different medications. However, this all results in him giving up and experiencing his “episodes.”
No matter how hard you try to make him happy, it just seems all you do is make him angry. It has gone so far that you aren’t even allowed to have a say in things to keep the peace.
You are the breadwinner, and he pays 45% of the bills; however, the child-rearing and house duties are all your responsibility. The two of you already share a three-year-old daughter.
He uses whatever money he has left on his hobbies while using yours for groceries, baby supplies, and paying extra on the mortgage. Your husband works 40 hours a week, and you work 50+.
When he gets home, he spends around 15 minutes with his daughter and then goes off to do whatever he wants. You have to cook and spend some time doing your daughter’s night routine when you arrive.
So recently, you notice that his moods have been going downhill, and you know he’s going to have a bad cycle. Eventually, you get into an argument where he’s emotionally and verbally abusive again.
Just like before, he leaves you and blocks you on all platforms. You are 38 weeks pregnant, 5cms dilated, and it happens to be during a snowstorm when he chooses to abandon you.
His behavior has become a norm, and therapists have told you that it’s his way of gaining control again. Your husband is well aware that he can abuse you emotionally and enjoys it to a certain level.
He’s aware that he isn’t behaving in an expected way and doesn’t seem to care. You end up texting your best friend to vent, and she brings it all into perspective by noting how wrong his behavior is.
Your friend states that if you can’t see how abusive your husband is, then they don’t know anymore. After reading the message over and over again and crying, you decide to call another close friend.
You confess to them that you’re going to leave your husband and won’t allow him into the delivery room either. The friend berates you about barring your husband from the delivery room.
They call you out partially because the second child also happens to be a boy. The friend says you’d be wrong for taking away the experience of your husband getting to see his first son being born.
You are told to keep working hard on the marriage because mental illnesses are hard to deal with, and you’re making things difficult for your husband. Seeking more direction, you ask your best friend for their opinion.
They tell you that your husband needs to step up and stop using his illnesses as an excuse to keep abusing women. The differing points of view leave you undecided and very conflicted.
You feel like you would be a bad person if you didn’t let your husband see his first son’s birth, but you’re also quite tired of being abused and can’t do it anymore. What would you do?
December 30, 2020